My Second Chance

What is it about the fall and winter?

I always have said that fall is my favorite season...the colors, the return to wearing warm and comfy clothes, tv show premieres, pumpkin-flavored everything, and the holidays (which means I get to see Missy).

But the cold seasons always seem to bring hardships for people...obstacles to hurdle, emotional and physical tests to perform, questions of faith and the passing on of close friends and relatives.

I've had a hard time with Kristen's death.

(A harder time than I've really let anyone know.)

I'm not exactly an A+ student when it comes to handling goodbyes of any sort.

I still feel like she should be sitting next to me in meetings.

I'm resentful that she is not here to make me laugh.

Her name is still in my cellphone.

Do I erase it, because I will never see her name pop up when she is calling me? Or...do I keep it, so that whenever I am scrolling to find a name, I see her's and get that little lump in my throat?

There's no guidebook on how to handle these kinds of things. Right now, I feel like it's too soon to delete her name and number. Maybe someday I will feel differently, but for now....I still need to see her name.

The poem that I wrote was included in the program handed out to everyone at her Celebration of Life.

I've never let anyone really read any poem I've ever written.

But I wrote this poem the day I learned of her passing. My emotions were raw, and her memory was fresh in my heart. It felt good to express myself on paper...and I know that Kristen would have loved it if she were able to read it.

Kristen's Mom called me yesterday. Alice had given her a copy of the poem...and she was calling me to thank me. She told me when would cherish it forever, and that it meant so much to her to know that Kristen had friends like me who loved her.

I've never met Kristen's Mom, but I love her too.
I pray she is finding the peace she seeks.

The climbers on Mt. Hood that are missing right now make me thankful that we have closure with Kristen's untimely death.

Yes, it was tragic. Yes, the pain is still there.

But we know she is gone, and we know she died in her house, where she felt safe. The poor families of the climbers may not ever have true closure, and for that, my heart is heavy for them. I am thankful that although many questions still have not been answered about Kristen, many of them have.

I honestly believe that I have a second chance at life. The past 3 months of emotions, MRIs, pathology tests and hospital visits have been so exhausting.

But a good reminder of how fragile life is.

There are no guarantees any of us will be here tomorrow.

No guarantees that everyone will have a second chance at life.

I am so blessed to have a family who makes me want to live a long life. I am so blessed to have a beautiful son, who will grow up knowing how much he is loved by his mother.

I am so grateful to just be alive.