Ms. Crafty Pants

I'm so excited about all of the things I am MAKING for Christmas gifts. I can't wait to give them to people, and then post pictures of them on here!!!

(I'm making a new term by the way...."blagging"...it's bragging via blogging. Get it?)

So, I will be "blagging" with pictures of my creations after the holidays :)

Anyways, I don't know if it's the whole "mother" thing, or the weather, or our lack of money....but I am LOVING being creative and learning how to make new things this fall and winter!

I've taught myself how to crochet this year, I'm having fun with Mod Podge, and I have some pretty darn adorable fabric to sew some pretty darn adorable gifts. All of the fabric I've gotten has been on sale, and yarn is relatively cheap. I found all of my patterns online for FREE too!

Plus, don't you think that homemade gifts are better than store-bought ones?

I do!

It's the little things

So, I think I figured out a way to blow dry my hair (using some product to help the situation), that covers up the majority of the hole in my head.

I'm so glad.

I didn't want to be that bridesmaid in Cathy's wedding that when I walked down the aisle, everyone said, "OMG, what happened to her???"

But that in itself is ridiculous.

Like anyone is going to be paying any attention to me. It's CATHY'S wedding, and people will just want me to walk down the aisle as quickly as I can so they can see the beautiful bride.

It's kind of like how I'm pissy about Kristen's memorial service.

They planned it for the exact same day and time as Cathy's wedding. I was going to read the poem at the service. I'm sad, and mad that they didn't ask ME when would be a good time.

But that too is ridiculous.

The service is for Kristen. To celebrate her life.

I have her hats...nobody else has something like that.

Somebody else can read the poem. Or maybe it can be printed in the service program.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Roller Girl

Ahhh, last night was fun.

A bunch of AA girls and I went rollerskating at Skateworld. It brought back memories of rollerskating on Friday nights in Albany. I was so good. I won the race competition almost every week, and I'd win a free Icee. Bliss to a tween.

It was good to get out of the house. I wore Kristen's hat in her honor....until my head got too sweaty. Then I took it off and let my bald scar glow in the black lights. It was beautiful. At the risk of sounding cheesy (and I really don't care because this is MY blog and I can do what I want! Hmmpphhhff!!), it felt good to have wind (skating rink wind) in my short, horrid hair, and sweat on my forehead.

I love sarcasm.

It was a good night spent with good people. I love those girls. They too knew Kristen but they had some wise words for me...

(who seems to have a harder time with death than anyone else on the planet)

Grieving

Grieve: (verb) "To feel great sorrow or distress"

Not only do I find myself grieving over the loss of Kristen, but I find myself grieving the loss of the old Shannon.

I went to a meeting today, and kept waiting and watching for Kristen to come in and sit down next to me. She didn't. And that has to be OK, because that is life on life's terms.

Acceptance is a bitch sometimes.
A really mean, hurtful and harsh bitch.

I'm grieving over the loss of my hair.

Stupid and silly?
Maybe.
But whatever.

I'm not a hugely "feminine" woman. I'm a tomboy and a "comfortable" dresser. My hair was part of what made me feel girly and cute. And it's gone. Yes, it grows back. But it's just not happening quickly enough. And the hair around the incision site is still basically bald.

Blech.

But there are definitely things to be thankful for during this hard time....

Missy and Courtney will be in Eugene next Wednesday!
Kristen is at peace.
Harper is the cutest baby on the planet.
Long or short hair, I still have my wit.
My family is all healthy.
Our car works.
I have a freezer full of gourmet food.
And I don't have cancer.

Life is hard sometimes, but I honestly wouldn't trade mine for the world.

For my friend, Kristen

Saying I’ll miss you

Just isn’t enough

But talking about this…

Well, that’s really tough

You touched so many lives

And you tried so hard

To let people in

And let down your guard

You brightened my day

And could always make me smile

You reached out to me

Like nobody has for quite awhile

Your boat of a car

Seemed to fit you so well

It was like you…a soft interior

With a tough outer shell

Now when I sit down

And see that the empty seat beside me

I have faith that you are still there

Helping me to breathe

You offered me help

And a lot of support

You were so loved

But your life was cut too short

The greatest message you left me

Is to never back down

To look at the beautiful sunshine

And not down at the ground

To fight for what you want

And strive for what you need

These are the reasons

You were so important to me

You lived just long enough

To know that I was OK

Now, in your honor

I will always live for today

I love you Kristen.

I hope you found your peace.

Kristen

My friend, Kristen, passed away yesterday. She was 53 years old, and a wonderfully funny woman.

She was a lesbian, and joked that Harper was the only boy she would flirt with because he was so charming.

She drove me to doctor appointments when our car was broken.

She was a cancer survivor.

She brought me a big bag of hats to pick from when I thought I might be going through chemo.

She had the BEST shares in meetings. So witty, insightful and honest.

She drove a boat of a car. The heater only worked if you turned on the wipers. I loved its character. It matched Kristen's.

She struggled with loneliness. She lived alone, and she was making a valiant effort to make friends. She was bipolar, and she was struggling with her medications.

I was one of those lucky people she reached out to. I reached back, and I am so glad I did.

I sent her a text message a few days ago that simply said, "I love you Kristen." I don't know what prompted me to send her that out of the blue. Alice told me that Kristen told her about how much that text meant to her. That makes me feel good.

I did.

I loved her.

I loved her kindness, honesty and spirit.

She was a good friend to me, and she will be missed not only by me, but by the fellowship. She had no idea how many people she touched.

I love you Kristen. I am happy you are at peace.

Cathy's Wedding

My best friend Cathy is getting married on December 13th and I'm a bridesmaid. A bridesmaid with short/shaved hair and a big hole in the back of my head.

I just saw pictures from her bridal shower and I am sitting here crying over them. I look so fat. And ugly.

I feel like she should find a prettier bridesmaid. One who is confident. One who won't ruin her pictures.

Pity Party Central here right now. I just wanna curl up in a ball and make it all go away.

Post-Surgery Depression?

Allllll I wanna do is sleep. I find myself wishing that Harper would sleep longer, or take more naps so I can rest more.

People have offered to help, and I just don't know how to accept it. I want to appear, and BE stronger than I really am.

I feel so ugly.
I weigh almost what I did when I was 9 month pregnant.
My hair is short.
I have shaved spots on my head.
I have an infected hole on the back of my head.
I have acne.

I feel like shit.

I feel guilty for the medical bills. Because I don't bring any money in myself, I feel like Tuli is resentful of me. I feel like he must be wondering where his healthy, skinny, happy, pretty girlfriend with long hair went. I feel like he must feel trapped in his life right now....

I wish I could snap my fingers and make my fatigue, medical bills and vanity issues magically disappear. Blah....

I'm so thankful for Harper. If I didn't have him, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.

I yearn for an adrenaline rush.

Skydiving.
A roller coaster.
Snowboarding.

Something.

Something to EXCITE me and get my blood pumping. Something to bring me a thrill.

I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm annoyed at my own blog posting now. Yuck.

Zucchini Muffins

They makes me happy. And I don't feel very guilty for eating them because it has a VEGETABLE in it! Nevermind the butter on the top.

Here is the recipe I use. I found it online, but I made some adjustments. I like more nutmeg and cinnamon than the original recipe I found. So, here is MY recipe:

Ingredients

• 3 cups grated fresh zucchini
• 2/3 cup melted butter ( I like salted)
  
• 1 1/3 cup sugar
• 2 eggs, beaten
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
  
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• Pinch salt
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 teaspoons cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon nutmeg

You can add nuts or dried fruit if you wish. I like "girl" bread and muffins. No nuts. Nothing worse than biting into a warm, fluffy, soft muffin....only to have something weird and crunchy come out of nowhere and smack you upside the head!

Method

You don't need a mixer for this recipe.

1 Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). In a large bowl combine the sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Stir in the grated zucchini and then the melted butter. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the zucchini mixture and mix in. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Stir these dry ingredients into the zucchini mixture.

2 Coat each muffin cup in your muffin pan with a little butter or vegetable oil spray. (I'm lazy and I use those cupcake/muffin paper thing-a-majiggers) Use a spoon to distribute the muffin dough equally among the cups, filling the cups up completely. Bake on the middle rack until muffins are golden brown, and the top of the muffins bounce back when you press on them, about 25 to 30 minutes. Test with a long toothpick or a thin bamboo skewer to make sure the center of the muffins are done. Set on wire rack to cool for 5 minutes. Remove muffins from the tin let cool another 20 minutes.

Yummmmmmmmmmy!

(and Harper likes them too!)
(and they make the house smell great!)
(and they're easy for Tuli to grab and take a few with him to work!)
(and I get to feel domestic!)

Oh, I have a staph infection. Isn't that wonderful? But...the good news is, I don't have cancer!

(I'm practicing finding the silver lining in things, can you tell?)

Good News? WTF is THAT?

Yesterday my doctor told me that there were no malignancies in my brain.

Really?

After 4 MRIs, 1 butch haircut, 12 shaved spots, 1 brain surgery, 2 nights in the hospital, shitloads of medical bills, 15 pounds of weight gained from post-op medications, and waaaaaaaaay too much sleep lost.....

you're really telling me that I'm fine now?
And I don't need any sort of further treatment?

I feel like someone is gonna jump out and say JUST KIDDING! GOTCHA!

I guess I'm supposed to feeling nothing but gratefulness. The past 6 weeks have left me emotional spent.

Done.
Tired.
Annoyed.
Ugly.
Cranky.

Yes, I'm happy that I'm not dying. Obviously. But I'm still recovering from the craziness of it all....

On top of everything, our poor car is suffering from it's own brain tumor. It's broken. Poor Tuli was up until 1am last night almost getting it fixed. Almost. It was soooo close, only to have one little part not work. Boo.

To The Car God In The Sky:
Please let him fix it tonight.
Not only for transportation reasons, but for Tuli's emotional well-being.

At least the Toilet God answered our prayers. No more crap on the bathroom floor or in the bathtub. No more baby falling in toilet water. No more swearing Shannon. (Well, OK...no more swearing at the toilet at least...) No more having to tell visitors "not to flush if they pee." Praise the Toilet God!

Aren't you so excited??

My Dad came up with my nickname, Schnook, when I was a little girl. There are only a few people, my Dad included, that still call me by my nickname. I love that he calls me "Schnook" - I find it endearing and sweet.

That being said, I really *am* a sweet girl. Though most of the time, my sarcastic humor and blunt outlook on life are what people have come to love about me. At least, I hope...

I keep another blog (shannonjoyhealy.blogspot.com).

I started this blog when I was 20 weeks pregnant with the love of my life, Harper James Jakobson Healy. The blog has continued, documenting Harper's growth and 10 months of life.

I love this blog.

I love having a record of pictures, videos and stories about this sweet boy. I love that people can get updates of our "Doodle" and feel connected from near and afar.

Well, I decided to start another blog.

(Aren't you excited?)

An online journal of sorts. A place for me to divulge all my deepest secrets.

(Kidding. Sorry.)

A place for me to get all these crazy thoughts into writing. For the whole world wide web to read. Is this crazy? Probably. But then again, if the shoe fits....

Basically, what I'm trying to say is -

Although I truly feel like I was put on this Earth to be a Mother...a mama bear is not all that I am.

I am a comedian.
A partner.
A sister.
A daughter.
A lover.
A liberal.
A crafter.
A baker and chef.
A realist.
A member of A.A.
A friend.
A homemaker.
A tomboy.
A photographer.
A fighter.
A pacifist.
A believer.

So, here it goes. My outlook on life, and my experiences during this journey on Earth...