2010 So Far...

(Harper and I playing with our new webcam - March 2010)

Well, 2010 started off with a bang, with Harper's 1st birthday party. It was so fun having a party in his honor.

And...dun, dun, DUNNN!!! Tuli proposed on January 12th, 2010, and I of course accepted. I came home from a late-night meeting, to see "Will You Mrry Me?" written out in white Christmas lights on our garage door. He was all dressed up, had the baby monitor out there with him (Doodle was sleeping), and got down on one knee in the Eugene rain. It was perfect. He proposed with a cute ring from Target, but we went shopping the next day and got a beautiful garnet/diamond ring that I ADORE.

We might get married next Fall or Winter. We aren't really sure when exactly. I'm just happy that I have such a great partner for the rest of my life.

Missy came home for a quick visit in February. I love my sister. I can't wait until this summer when she will be living 2 hours away!!!! I see lots of Portland trips in our future....

...still getting tests done due to my continuing numbness/tingling/throbbing on my left side. Sucks. Annoying. Inconvenient. But not cancer, so it's manageable. Things are starting to look like it might be a seizure condition, like epilepsy. Again, in trying to stay positive, at least it's not cancer. All of this is good 3rd step practice for sure - let go, and let God.

One-item Christmas List

$6443.43

That's what I would like for Christmas, please.

That is the grand total of my medical bills. Fuckity Fuck.

My Dad is loaning me some money, and my Mom gave me some too.

But even with their help, over half of it remains...

I'm not very jolly this Christmas.

By the way...Tuli's ex was at the skating rink last night.
The freckled fatty felt it necessary to skate by me, cut me off, and call me a "ho."
Seriously?
Are we in 3rd grade?
I know he's great, and you're jealous that we are in love...but really...grow up.
So, Ms. A.A. - thanks for the reminder of why I'm a better person than you.

Does God watch Survivor?

My rant for the day:

I'm all about praying. It helps me, but to each his own...

BUT...I find it highly annoying when contestants on reality TV game shows "pray" for God to help them win a challenge or contest.

I don't believe that Heaven includes Thursday night viewings of a CBS tv show...

I really feel that God has better things to do other than helping someone win money.

Am I right, or am I right?

My Second Chance

What is it about the fall and winter?

I always have said that fall is my favorite season...the colors, the return to wearing warm and comfy clothes, tv show premieres, pumpkin-flavored everything, and the holidays (which means I get to see Missy).

But the cold seasons always seem to bring hardships for people...obstacles to hurdle, emotional and physical tests to perform, questions of faith and the passing on of close friends and relatives.

I've had a hard time with Kristen's death.

(A harder time than I've really let anyone know.)

I'm not exactly an A+ student when it comes to handling goodbyes of any sort.

I still feel like she should be sitting next to me in meetings.

I'm resentful that she is not here to make me laugh.

Her name is still in my cellphone.

Do I erase it, because I will never see her name pop up when she is calling me? Or...do I keep it, so that whenever I am scrolling to find a name, I see her's and get that little lump in my throat?

There's no guidebook on how to handle these kinds of things. Right now, I feel like it's too soon to delete her name and number. Maybe someday I will feel differently, but for now....I still need to see her name.

The poem that I wrote was included in the program handed out to everyone at her Celebration of Life.

I've never let anyone really read any poem I've ever written.

But I wrote this poem the day I learned of her passing. My emotions were raw, and her memory was fresh in my heart. It felt good to express myself on paper...and I know that Kristen would have loved it if she were able to read it.

Kristen's Mom called me yesterday. Alice had given her a copy of the poem...and she was calling me to thank me. She told me when would cherish it forever, and that it meant so much to her to know that Kristen had friends like me who loved her.

I've never met Kristen's Mom, but I love her too.
I pray she is finding the peace she seeks.

The climbers on Mt. Hood that are missing right now make me thankful that we have closure with Kristen's untimely death.

Yes, it was tragic. Yes, the pain is still there.

But we know she is gone, and we know she died in her house, where she felt safe. The poor families of the climbers may not ever have true closure, and for that, my heart is heavy for them. I am thankful that although many questions still have not been answered about Kristen, many of them have.

I honestly believe that I have a second chance at life. The past 3 months of emotions, MRIs, pathology tests and hospital visits have been so exhausting.

But a good reminder of how fragile life is.

There are no guarantees any of us will be here tomorrow.

No guarantees that everyone will have a second chance at life.

I am so blessed to have a family who makes me want to live a long life. I am so blessed to have a beautiful son, who will grow up knowing how much he is loved by his mother.

I am so grateful to just be alive.

Helping others, helping myself

My sober sister Christina, and I, are starting a new meeting for women. It will be on Tuesdays at noon, and it will have childcare.

We were talking one day, and we both fessed up.
Got honest with each other.

There is one meeting that we both attend....and it's not for sobriety...it's for the childcare.

No bueno.

A meeting should be a place where we feel our sobriety get stronger...not a place that has us leaving with more resentments than we came there with.

(Which I might add, as been happening too frequently for me at this particular meeting...)

As of now, there are no Tuesday meetings with childcare, so I'm really excited to be starting one. It's the first meeting I've been a part of "starting," and I'm so excited to be doing this kind of service work. Christina is a great person to be working with also. She has started meetings before, and is stoked to be working on this project with me. So excited.

On another note...yesterday it was friggin' 9 degrees here, and 32 degrees in Homer, AK. WTF???!!! Harper doesn't seem to mind the cold too badly right now...but maybe that is because he is part Alaskan??

Nate and Cathy's wedding is this Sunday. Rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. I'm excited to be a part of their big day. I love them both dearly. I am also excited to dress up in my beaaaauuuuuutiful bridesmaid dress, wear lipstick, rock my red hair and feel pretty for the day....

***I just need to say how thankful I am for a heated house...damn baby, it's cold outside!!!

Currently

Blah. I'm sleep deprived from Cathy's Bachelorette Party, combined with Harper being awake from 1:45am until past 3am last night. He's still not sleeping thru the night. Waaahhh.

I'm currently frustrated.
I know you're dying to know why.

My sponsor answers her phone about 1 out of every 4 times I call her. Yes, she has a life of her own, but I do not feel like she is as available as I need her to be. Currently thinking of beginning a search for a new sponsor.

From someone who has a bit of a potty mouth herself, I am starting to get highly annoyed at people who swear in meetings. Every once in a while is one thing, but when a share is littered with the F word, I am starting to find it just kind of tacky. Currently thinking of looking for some new meetings. Maybe some smaller ones?

I really wanted to send Christmas cards out this year.

I'm still going to.

I bought some that have a slot in the front for a picture. I am going to put a picture of Harper and ONLY Harper in that slot. I weigh around 170lbs right now and I really hate how I look. There's just no way I'm sending a picture of my double chin to all of my friends and family. Currently I am feeling hurt by Tuli's response to this "Harper only Christmas card because I do not want to be in any holiday pictures this year" plan... (...something along the lines of "Are you f*cking serious?!") It's a combination of me being overly-sensitive, and him lacking sensitivity sometimes when I am trying to be vulnerable about my self image.

I don't care how dumb it may sound. My looks are important to me, and probably more so now that I am a stay at home Mom. That may sound backwards, so let me explain:

I could work extra hard, or work on a committee to get bonuses or awards at work. I got "Go Team" emails, and my name was attached to projects. As a SAHM, I know I do a great job, and I hear that regularly too. There's just that part of me that is missing being "known" for something. I want people to see me and say that I look great, well-rested and healthy.

I am tired and grumpy. Sensitive.

I raked all the leaves in the front yard today. It was satisfying. And tiring. But mostly satisfying. It's taken me 3 rounds of trying to clean our room/fold laundry/change sheets/put laundry away (thanks to the adorably high-maintenance baby who I love dearly), and I'm still not done. Currently wanting a maid. One who is also a masseuse. And who will work for free.

So, Santa Claus should have my list now.

A pro-bono maid/masseuse
A baby who sleeps thru the night
An on-call sponsor
A meeting where people don't need to drop the F bomb to make their point
A partner who validates my self-image issues
A better self image

(Oh...and Santa can take back the 25 extra pounds he gave me last year for Christmas. Harper and I appreciated them a year ago, but I'd like to return them now. Thanks.)

Ms. Crafty Pants

I'm so excited about all of the things I am MAKING for Christmas gifts. I can't wait to give them to people, and then post pictures of them on here!!!

(I'm making a new term by the way...."blagging"...it's bragging via blogging. Get it?)

So, I will be "blagging" with pictures of my creations after the holidays :)

Anyways, I don't know if it's the whole "mother" thing, or the weather, or our lack of money....but I am LOVING being creative and learning how to make new things this fall and winter!

I've taught myself how to crochet this year, I'm having fun with Mod Podge, and I have some pretty darn adorable fabric to sew some pretty darn adorable gifts. All of the fabric I've gotten has been on sale, and yarn is relatively cheap. I found all of my patterns online for FREE too!

Plus, don't you think that homemade gifts are better than store-bought ones?

I do!